Why does marriage have to be this difficult?

Almost a decade and here we are. I’ve spent more nights not sleeping with my husband, within the past couple of years than I ever thought we would spend apart in our lifetime.

I fight. He stops talking. When he does fight back, he spews out nasty remarks that cut deeply into my soul. His apologies are genuine, but he doesn’t seem to see how we never talk through the problems. He gets too angry, too defensive, and I just get tired.

It isn’t that I’m the easiest person to be with and I know this, but what happened?

At one point, we did everything we could to hear each other and respect each other’s feelings. Now, I wonder if we even care most of the time.

He’s says I just don’t stop my ranting and raving about everything. I feel like he doesn’t hear me when I am not yelling or screaming.

We love each other, I think, but I’m just so tired. Tired of working to be heard. Tired of feeling like I have to tiptoe around him to avoid his temper. Tired of trying to smile and not see the disaster around me when I get home from work. Tired of worrying about our money and the expenses we’ve had, which I’m pretty certain we can’t afford. Tired of being the only one paying attention to the needs of our child.

I’m just exhausted.

I need him to be easy right now. Like in the beginning. The arms I could just fall into, and the confidence that always made me feel like he wouldn’t let us fail. Right now, I just feel defeated. And tired. And quite frankly, I feel like we are failing.

Redneck Wedding

Recently, I had the opportunity to attend a wedding – the child of a friend, of a friend, of a relative, or something like that…

The wedding was lovely – right down to the ceremony running more than a half an hour late and the folks in the congregation who insisted on smoking and drinking (yes, booze…) during the brief exchanging of the vows.

Maybe I’m a snob, but seriously?!?!?!?!?

At least nobody was talking on the phone, I suppose.

The Working Mom Dilemma

As a mom who works outside the home, at what point is it all too much?

• I hate being away from my child for the ten hours each day it takes for me to work and commute.
• I hate relying on others to care for my child, when I feel like it should be me, even when one of those caregivers is the child’s grandparent.
• I hate that one career is not enough, and even if we said, “to hell with it all,” and tried to sell our house to move someplace we could afford on one income, we would be lucky to receive 3/4 of the original value, and maybe see an offer in a year or so.
• I hate putting my child to bed at night, knowing I’ve only spent TWO HOURS with that child.
• I hate knowing that even if we could go down to one income, it would probably have to be mine, since my husband does not have the same earning potential compared to mine.
• I hate that even though we both work, we are still constantly broke and feel like we can’t get ahead. The prices of everything are killing us, since neither of our careers do much in the way of “cost-of-living” increases.
• I hate that we are both trying so hard, yet I still feel like we are failing our child.
• I hate knowing I would be miserable if I was home full-time, but being unable to find anything we could swing by me going part-time.
• I hate missing my child.
• I hate having to hurry my child out of the house in the morning.
• I hate being surrounded by neighbors who are able to afford to stay at home with their children, while still having a life.

Beyond that, I love my career and balancing it with motherhood. Yeah.

Death

An acquaintance of mine passed away this past weekend.

He was a business associate, but one with whom I had spent way too much time conversing in the past. I hadn’t seen him in ages, but always enjoyed working with him – especially our goofy conversations. We would talk at all hours, due to deadlines placed on both of us, which made us friends in a very casual, work way.

He was in a car accident and was thrown from the vehicle, due to not wearing his seat belt.

He leaves behind a young daughter.

Please remember to buckle-up. If not for you, think of your family and friends. My coworkers and I are just shattered by this loss.

The neighbors down the street

We have some fairly new neighbors down the street. An older, retired couple, or so it seems.

Back when they first began building, my husband did the kind, neighborly thing, and went down to introduce himself, and offer to help in any way, if they needed it. The man barked at my husband about the “horrible town, horrible neighborhood,” and about how he “hated” the lot on which he was building.

Since then, the man has made enemy after enemy in our quiet, family-filled little subdivision. He purposely goes out of his way to do things to irritate those around him.

His wife smiles a quiet, friendly smile behind him whenever he talks. And she mows (with a push mower) the lawn while he sits in a lawn chair and watches. She pulls weeds and waters plants, while he sits in the lawn chair and watches.

In fact, whenever I go past their house, he is in the garage, sitting in the lawn chair and watching.

I feel bad for her. I don’t like him. I wish they hadn’t moved here, as most of the people around us are friendly – even the ones with which we have nothing in common. And any other annoying neighbors are just annoying – generally not mean-spirited.

Since they live on a corner, I pass their house in my car every day.

I’ve found myself, when I’m alone, cranking up the music in my car so it can be heard in Tokyo, as I drive past their house. And I’m usually playing heavy metal when I do it.

Childish? Yes.

But do I feel better? Yes.

What would you do?

Anybody miss me?

This blog has been a bit dull, from the looks of it. And for that I apologize.

Like everyone else, I’ve had a busy and chaotic life for the past few months. Bad luck abounds in the world of appliances (we were wiped out by a storm), we’ve been a bit on the unhealthy side (anything the child gets, I get, too!) and the economy is taking a dump, endangering my career and possibly my husband’s career. But otherwise, we’re OK, I guess.

I hate to be bad news all of the time, so I’m sorry my first post in a long time is full of the bad stuff, but this is my blog to vent. I’m aware that life is a lot worse for others out there, and I’m trying to count my blessings, but I’m just incredibly worried about everything lately – losing our jobs, economy all around, food shortages, fuel prices rising – you name it.

Hopefully, I’ll be back to posting on a more regular basis again, soon.

By the way – the other job interview I had didn’t pan out. I’ll admit that really took the wind out of my sails, as I’m very used to being recruited and receiving offers. It has been a long time since I’ve received an offer or been turned down after an interview. How disheartening…

How am I supposed to respond?

I was wearing a perfectly cute shirt today. One I rather adore, as it is comfortable, trendy and is ideal for days when I feel bloated.

I love this shirt!

A coworker, who doesn’t see me often, just asked me, “When is the big day?”

Yes, she thought I was pregnant.

I loved that shirt.